sad story

Hey guys! It's already October and yeah, I guess it has been 2 months being in the States! Alhamdulillah everything is great and I'd say I'm currently doing well. Anyways, the reason I'm posting is because I'd like to share a writing of mine. So I was going through my notes on my phone, deleting stuffs, mostly crap i wrote back when i was in permata. Honestly, there were a lot of crappy stuff I wrote but whatever. So as I was sifting through, I came across one note, a story I wrote in 26th of January 2015. I remember bits and pieces of the beginning but as I read it, I realized it was much longer than I thought. As I was reading, since I forgot the story, it felt like I was reading someone else's writing, and God, it is sad. I was basically like "Gosh, did I really write this?" and I thought that I just had to share it somewhere. Like I know, people don't really read my blog but like it makes me feel content knowing that it's just somewhere out there, you know? Anyway, so here is the story... (there might be some changes just to make the story better but the plot stays the same)

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I was closing the refrigerator when my phone buzzed indicating a new message. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 2 in the morning. I wondered who would text me this early in the morning. As I read the name of the sender, I couldn't resist as a small smile crept to my lips. Whatever is he up to now?

I opened the message and read it. How does he even know I'm up?

I quickly tied my hair and walked back to my room, and out to the balcony. I nearly screamed when I saw a figure on the tree next to the railings. He quickly put his finger on his lips, shushing me. He jumped from the tree to the balcony without making any noise. I was beginning to think that he was somekind of spy. He stood up and only then, I saw the pizza box he was holding. I went inside with him behind.

"Gosh. What are you doing here?" I asked, in a slight whisper.

"You said during lunch that lately, you've been hungry in the middle of the night. So I reckoned you'd be up and would appreciate some food," he said, smiling genuinely.

I couldn't believe it. I stared at him, mesmerising those beautiful green eyes, his hair which I believe he had run his hand through multiple times - a habit of his which I admit is cute. What did I do to deserve all this? I absolutely do not deserve him. He's just... He's too perfect. He's too good for me.

"Done checking me out?" He smirked.

I rolled my eyes. Great way to ruin the moment.

We settled on the floor, eating the pizza while watching our all-time favourite movie. I was already full as we continued watching the movie, with me lying my head on his lap. My eyes were starting to get droopy as he played with my hair, twirling them around his fingers. Halfway through the movie, he broke the silence.

"Hey could you sit for a sec?"

I sat facing him, cross-legged. He reached for something in his pocket. I was shocked to see a tiny felted box. He opened the box to reveal a pair of rings. He took out both of them and held them in his hand. I was too speechless to say anything but I guess that's how he wanted it to be.

He reached for my hand and placed one of the rings on my ring finger. He released my hand and wore the other on his own finger. I examined the ring. It was beautiful. It was a plain pattern-carved ring. I took it off and it was then when I saw the word 'his' carved at the inside of the ring. I looked up to see him showing his with the word 'hers' carved.

"This is not a marriage proposal, just to be clear," he chuckled. I can only manage a smile, seeing him glowing. "This is a promise ring. Well, kinda. I couldn't find the knot ring, but I guess this is better. Both of us have the same type of ring and this is to show we will forever be together. And also for a promised marriage ring." He tousled his hair, a habit he does when he's abashed.

"So what do you say? Always there for each other?"

I was again too speechless to say anything. I couldn't fight it but tears began to form at corner of my eyes. He smiled that pretty smile of his, and said, "I'll take that as a yes," as he pulled me in for a hug.

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The night was clear in my head. I remembered every bit of what happened. But now, why must this happen?

It had been hours before I could finally see him. Isn't it odd seeing someone who's always happy, fun and cheerful, so weak, cold and motionless except the constant rise and fall of his chest? The face that has always been plastered with a smile, now so pale and still? 

"There are two possibilities. Either he wakes up with a permanent damage or he goes. But who knows, anything could happen."

The doctor's words rang in my mind. I don't know which hurts more, to see him alive but suffer his whole life or to see him go in front of my eyes, without being able to speak to him one last time. I played with the ring on my left hand. Before going into the operation theatre, they had to take off his ring. But after I was able to see him, I placed the ring back to where it should be.

The door opened and his mom entered the room. I knew that it was time for me to get out. I need to give time to other people. His mom saw me and gave me a sad smile. I looked at him one last time before nodding slightly to his mom and went out.

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I figured to see him alive but suffer his whole life would hurt more than seeing him go, though actually both would hurt badly. But at least, he wouldn't suffer. And that 's what matters more.

A few weeks after the operation, he had his last breath. He died, peacefully, without any last words. His funeral was a few days after he died.

I was asked to give a speech.

"I remembered the night when he sneaked into my house. The night when he gave me this ring," I said, looking down at the ring. "He said, 'So what do you say? Always there for each other?'. Tears were forming as he pulled me into a hug." 

I stopped before continuing. 

"I couldn't look at him when I first saw him on the hospital bed. It was hard seeing him lying there, so still, when I had always see him happy and cheerful. But our promise to always be there for each other helped me collect all my courage to see him everyday although it meant hurting myself, seeing him hurt. Every day, I wished that he would just wake up and say 'Surprise! It's just a prank.' so I could see his smile again. His beautiful smile. But I know that it's impossible. Knowing the fact that he would either die or wake up but with a permanent damage broke me even more. I wondered which would hurt more, and I figured seeing him suffer is worse. So I said to him the night before he died, 'It's okay. If it's hard for you, we understand if you let go. It's okay. It's okay.' I kissed him and it nearly felt like he was kissing me back. I stared at him for a few minutes, absorbing all the details of his face. I knew that it won't be long and I wanted to remember his face forever. I will never let the memory of him and his face fade away from my mind. He's a very very nice person with a beautiful soul. He meant the world to me and to many people here. And although he's no longer living in this world, he is always near. He is always in our hearts."

And that was the last time I saw him smiling by the door.

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Much love,

anis.

*sobs*

*cries*

Hey peeps! It's already the third of August. And in another three days I'll be flying off to start a whole new journey on a whole new land.

*screams*

So there's A LOT to say and tell. And mengadu or whatever you call it. It has been quite stressing these past few weeks, especially since the departure day is getting closer and closer. And believe it or not, I haven't started packing! HAH!

It's been tough and pressuring like,

"Adik dah siap belum ni?"
"Have you sorted out your clothes?"
"Is there anything else that you need?"
"Can you email this to me?"
"Adik you have to do this."

Have you done this and that... Can you do this and that...

T. I. R. I. N. G.

Yeah I know, I know. Basically that's what happen if you don't do things you're supposed to do. But goshhhhhhhhhhh.

And with all those annoying remarks and comments and arguments.

*steam comes out of ears*

And nowwwwww...

Another problem...

My mom's visa and the possibility of her not following to the US.

*cries*

*cries somemore*

*cries a lot more*

But I'm really hoping everything goes well and stays as plan. Honestly, it's been quite some time since I last felt this frustrated and disappointed. Like I could seriously feel my heart breaking and my stomach dropping. Like seriously. I just hope, ya Allah, that everything goes well. Please T_T

Anywaysss, I guess I gotta start packing. Like now.

Cheers,
aiha.

current state; selangor (jk pls layan my unique sense of humor (or at least my trying to))

Assalam people. I'm finally updating my blog! It's been ages.

So where shall we start? Let us see, my last update was last year, so I believe a lot - like a LOT a lot - has happened for the past, what? Six months?

Honestly, it felt weird not going to school. I was practically bored to death. Well, despite all the time I had, to which I spent watching movies and reruns of tv shows, I basically had nothing much to do. But I did read a lot. And I mean a huge number of novels; from paperbacks, to hard-covers, to e-books. I literally lost track of how many exactly. Since I feel guilty for buying too many novels, I mostly search for free e-books online. So yeah, I guess it's pretty much awesome and better. 'Cause duh!, it's free. But it's always much more satisfying to buy the novel; you get to experience the new book smell. Yum!

Okay, that's just weird.

Anyways, moving on...

I have good news!! Guess what it is.

AMERICA BABYYYYY!!!

So I'll be furthering my studies in the US. I'm starting in August and damn am I terrified. Come on, I'm seventeen. And soooooo not ready for this. Back then, I might be super thrilled, knowing that I actually got a sponsorship to further abroad. But now when I ACTUALLY know that I'm going there; not so much.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely grateful and excited, really. But the thought of it scares me a bit. Especially since I'll be going with a small group. And also since my friend and I might be the only ones from here who will be enrolling as freshmen. Why, you ask? Well, usually Malaysian students take the ADP (stands for American Degree Program) before going to the US. So basically, when they start their studies in the US, they are actually starting their second year as the ADP is equivalent to the first year of the degree. So TADAAA!!

"Wow lucky you then!"

"Oh so extra one year la you study sana!"

"Wah bestnya!! 4 years there!"

Let me tell you one thing, people. You'll focus more on the fact it's terrifying than the fact that it's exciting if you're not mentally ready.

But yeah, I gotta admit;

 IT'S STILL FREAKING AWESOME!

So these past few months were hectic. Preparing all the immigration documents, sponsorship agreement letters, medical checkup, visa appointment, preparation before orientation, placement test. And it's already JULY!! I can't believe it. Time really do fly fast. No kidding.

So yeah, basically that's how I'm currently doing. Nothing much except THAT. I guess that's it for now. Till we meet again! (Which I'm not exactly sure when HAH)

Cheers,
aiha.