#4 sudden event

Most of the leaves were gone, indicating the arrival of winter soon. My sketchbook in hand, with a cup of latte in front of me, in a cafe, was how I describe as a perfect way of witnessing the changing of seasons.

It had been nearly an hour, I spent sitting in the cafe, gathering all sorts of thoughts and ideas. I was working on a project for the art and literature week at school. It was usually the only week of the year that I don't mind going to school. 

Looking out of the window, I reached for my latte when I heard someone pull the chair across from me. I looked up, confused as to who would want to sit with me. I was freaked out to see the most unexpected person sitting in front of me. It's just too unbelievable.

I have never talked to the guy and in fact, he even ignored me once. I barely know him but yet he was sitting there like it was the most normal thing to do. 

"I'm sorry but do I know you?"

He chuckled in a sarcastic way, leaving a smirk behind as he looked at me in a condescending way. His eyes glistens as he does. Despite his good looks, I was starting to dislike this guy. A waitress came to my table as she saw this guy in front of me came in.

"I'll have whatever she's having," he said, pointing to my latte. The waitress nodded and went off to set his order. 

Okay that was a first. Since he ignored me the other day, this was the first time I heard his voice. It was deep but not too deep, soft but not too soft. To put it in simple words, it was music to my ears.

"You haven't answered my question."

"No, you don't but you should."

It was my turn to be taken aback. As I was about to say another word, the waitress returned with his latte. He took it from her hands and paid for the drink. The waitress walked away as he stood up from his chair. With the other hand, he grabbed his camera, which was hanging from his neck, and brought it up to his chest.

Still looking at me, he clicked the shutter button as he said, "Smile."

anis.

#3 the first time

"Hey, we're going back. You coming?"

It's a routine we do at least once every week. After school on one of the days in the week, my friends and I would go to the usual park and just hang out. Most of the time, all of us would be doing our own thing. I would be sketching or writing and some of he others would be playing with their phones or laptops.

Although we don't really chat or talk that much, we just enjoy the company. It's the feeling of having your friends around that's nice. We had spent nearly two hours sitting and doing other random stuffs at the park.

"Nah, it's okay. You guys go ahead. I'll go back later."

"Okay, if you say so."

They all walked off, leaving me behind alone. I didn't mind being alone as I really like to cherish the moments I get for myself. My private time. All alone.

My eyes wandered around, looking at the people around me. Watching all sorts of antics. One after the other, my eyes landed on a familiar figure, sitting on the same tree every single time. He was of course, with his camera again. It had been nearly every day for the past week, I would see him on the same tree with his camera. God knows what he does up there.

"Watch out!"

I looked to my right and a frisbee was flying through the air, heading towards my direction. It was merely inches as I ducked my head and the frisbee flew above my head. 

The frisbee hit a tree and dropped on a pile of autumn leaves. 

"Ohmygod. I'm so sorry."

I looked back to where the frisbee and the voice came from. It was a girl, hair tied up and wore a jumper. She was fit and her skin was pale. I could see the guilt and regret in her eyes. I flashed a sincere smile as I waved it off.

"Nah, it's okay. I'm fine so it's no problem."

I could see the change in her expression. She was relieved. I dismissed her as she ran to the tree, the frisbee hit.

I returned my gaze to the tree far across me. The guy was still there with his camera. Just that, this time, it was directed towards my direction. His camera lens seemed to be focused in my direction. 

Pfft. Maybe he's just taking a picture of the tree I'm sitting under.

After clicking on the shutter button, I could see him lowering his camera as he looked at, most probably, the pictures he just took. Right after, he climbed down the tree. If I hadn't known better, I might have thought that he was some kind of spy. But what I did next, was just surprising.

I stood up and practically jogged towards the other tree. I was determined to reach him before I lost him. As I was nearly metres, I shouted at him.

"Hey!"

He paused in mid-action. I could see the hesitation before he turned around, facing me. The cool air was blowing as I stopped right in front of him, panting. Man, I sure need to workout more. Although it had been a week I've been seeing him around, this is the first time I've ever had the chance to finally see his face. 

His eyes were blue, not those typical blue eyes, but they were dark blue. If I didn't notice it, I would have thought that he had dark brown eyes, nearly black. His hair slightly long at the nape of his neck. It looked like he had run his fingers through them multiple times. They were dark brown, contrasting his white pale skin. His eyelashes obvious, sweeping across his cheeks as he blinks. 

It could really be love at first sight if I hadn't been so curious and mystified about him. He was the definition of gorgeous. But curiosity overtook my admiration as I stopped drooling over his looks and called on all my courage to face him.

He was looking at me with a quizzical expression plastered across his face. Well, I would be weirded out with myself too. 

"Um, hey."

No answer. 

A blank expression replaced his questioning one before. I couldn't even remember why I ran after him in the first place. 

"Nice camera."

Silence.

I was about to say something, like maybe introduce myself or something, but before I could say another word, he turned around and walked off, leaving me agape.

anis.

#2 how it all started

It was a typical Monday morning. The cool autumn air blowing, making the trees rustle. I walked to sit under the usual tree by the park. I was getting bored by minute, sitting at home. I just couldn't stand being so stationary for so long, I just had to move and just go somewhere.

I put my hands in the front pockets of my coat as I was starting to feel cold. I sat with my back leaning on the trunk of the tree as I plugged in my earphones. I would do the same thing every time I got bored staying home.

I played my favourite playlist on my iPod and took out my diary or sketchbook or whatever-you-call-it from my sling bag. The cover was plain when I first bought it. But since I just couldn't stand the plain pastel colour of the cover, I decided to decorate it with random doodles. So it looked more like a middle-schooled girl's diary but whatever.

The leaves were falling and I felt lucky, being able to witness the beauty of it. The leaves were brown and yellow the colour of sunshine and autumn, of course. The smell of leaves overwhelmed me as the wind blew my hair, covering my face.

I slid my hair back and started taking out pencils, erasers and pens. I started working out on my next sketch. Days and moments like this are the one's I enjoy most. Calming. Relaxing. Fun. As I was looking up from my sketchbook, something or shall I say someone caught my attention.

He was sitting on the tree far across from me. If I didn't realise it before, he was actually holding a camera with its strap hung around his neck. I could see him adjusting the focus lens and snapping a few pictures. I was surprised as I didn't expect to see some guy on a tree, holding a camera. It was quite bizarre to say the least.

Then, realising my unfocused and distracted state, I shook my head and returned to finishing my sketch.

anis.

what

You know those moments when you reminisce about shit that happened in the past?

Yeah, sometimes, I enjoy it.

'Cause they can never be repeated.

So that's the only way of reliving it.

In the memories.

anis.

not how it appears to be

Emotions.

Siapa je tak ada perasaan?

Memang tipulah kalau ada yang cakap dia tak berperasaan. 

Happy. Seronok. Sedih. Marah. Bengang. Frustrated. Disappointed. Berharap. Bosan. Rindu. Suka. Duka. Sayang. Hm apa-apa je lah.

There's too much emotions and feelings in this world to be listed down. 

Ada certain people yang kita nampak macam heartless, tak berperasaan, emotionless. But actually dia masih berperasaan. There are times yang dia akan nampak macam tak kisah, macam lantak ah, but no matter how hard they try to deny it, the heart knows.

It's not how it usually seems.

anis.

different?

Stars. City lights.

Two things that twinkle and sparkle in the night sky. Like a black canvas sprinkled with sparkly and twinkling glitter. The reason why they are similar in a way.

But of course, they aren't. 

They are very much different.

anis.

#1 nights like this

The air was cold and it was quite breezy. With only the moon illuminating the dark night sky, I walked along the road, reminiscing about the past. The night was silent. Everyone was most probably asleep already. Well, obviously, it was 2 in the morning. I walked as I hummed a tune that had been playing in my mind ever since that day.

It had been a tiring day, honestly. I was exhausted. But my eyes just couldn't shut. I wasn't sure how but I decided to have a walk in the cool night. I walked as I plugged in my earphones and played my favourite playlist. Our favourite playlist. So many things were playing in my mind that I had no longer keep track of what I was thinking. Nothing specific really. The pictures coming keep changing by second. I just went with it, knowing that my mind just won't stop. Even when I'm sleeping, They keep coming in form of dreams.

It was always like this. I wouldn't be able to go to sleep, I'd put on my coat and walk out in the streets alone, taking in the fresh cold air and play the pictures in my head.

It was like a routine or like an automatic gesture, I'd stop in front of the same shop everytime. I stopped and practically skipped to the middle of the road. I bent my knees and laid down on the road. I spread my arms outwards and stared up at the sky. Thousands of stars twinkling in the night sky. I don't know how, but this is the only thing that could calm me. One of the only things I have left of him. And like always, I started reciting the sentence.

"Like a black canvas, sprinkled with - "

" - sparkly glitter dust."

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw his body lowering down as he started to lie down next to me.

"Hey."

"Hi."

A comfortable silence crept between us as we stared up at the sky, mesmerized my the beauty of the dark night sky and its twinkling stars and illuminating moon. It was like this nearly every night since that day.

"Aren't you tired?"

"A little bit. But what can I do? My eyes just won't close."

Another silence crept between us. It lasted for a few seconds before he broke the silence.

"Remember when I told you why I like looking at the stars?"

I smiled. I could and would never forget it.

" 'Decades can pass, centuries even, people could move to other places, people can die and change and be lost, everything could change, but the stars would always stay the same. Although they are actually dead, they still sparkle and twinkle, showing life. It's like they're really the only reliable thing in life.' "

I could see the corners of his mouth tugged upwards as I repeated the same sentence for the god knows how many time. It was like a a chant I keep repeating on nights like this.

"Look at me."

I was shocked. No. I can't. Why is he asking me to do that?

"What? No. You know I can't. Please give me more time. Please," I was begging then. "I just need to hear your voice. Please."

I was at the edge of crying as I replayed the scene of the nights before in my mind.

"It's okay," he paused before saying. "I promise. I promise not this time. I promise. Just please look at me."

I just couldn't do it. I'm not strong enough. I could feel the tears forming. The tears started to fall from the corner of my eyes. It would always end like this. Every time. Every night.

I could feel his gaze burning the side of my face. Just one glance. Just maybe.

I slowly turned my face to my right. Slowly, a centimetre by every second. And that night, it finally happened. It finally changed. I could see his dark blue eyes, looking concerned as ever. His mouth formed into a small smile.

"I told you."

His hand moved to reach my face. He wiped the tears with his finger. I could feel his touch on my skin. He caressed my cheek with his warm hand. I miss the warmth his hands always provide. I closed my eyes, cherishing the night. It's not gonna be long.

I felt his hand move as the cool air replaced the the warmth his hand had offer. If it was possible, I'd never open my eyes. But I know, I just had to accept it. So I opened my eyes.

And he was gone. Gone with the wind.

anis.

E'h

Sweet memories

Bad memories

Either one

They will always be memories

And will forever be in remembrance 

How hard we try to forget

They can never

Be forgotten
As it remains in the back of our minds
Stuck forever

anis.

old? nah still young

sixteen. sixteen. january.

That moment when you finally feel happy after such a long time of emptiness and not feeling anything. It sucks. It really does. I mean the emptiness sucks, not the happiness.

Anyway, alhamdulillah 'cause I guess so far, everything's going fine. Great even. Yeah of course, one or two disappointments but to sum it all up, it hasn't been that bad of a day. One of the happiest so far.

Another reason is that for once, I feel important. I feel loved. Okay stop it already.

But isn't it just bizarre how one day, you feel very special and all but the next, everything is just the same old typical boring day?

Yep it sure is.

And also saddening. Especially when that one day only comes once a year.

anis.

eh

10th of January 2015.

Back to school.

You know that time when you feel so lonely? I don't know how to say this, but it's like although you have many people and 'friends' around you, you just don't feel the company, you just don't feel happy.

Macam takde benda yang boleh buat kita rasa happy. I have no idea what's wrong with me. But I honestly feel lifeless.

I used to think that I have so many friends. Friends that could really make me happy. But it took me a long time to realize that all this while, I have never had a friend that was really... a friend yang memang kawan sejati, kawan mcm Nabi Muhammad SAW dengan Saidina Abu Bakar.

I've always wondered is it true? To whoever's reading this, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to offend you. It's hard, you know. I mean, I'm very grateful that Allah sent me friends who helped me and cheered me. But everytime, whenever I move, or whenever I'm no longer around them, I feel like I'm forgotten. Gosh please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to seek for attention. I just need to let out what I'm currently feeling. I just need to let go of all the things that is burdening my head.

I'm not alone. But I feel lonely.

anis.

I'm so random

Escapism. Sweet sweet escapism.

Imagine having a million dollars with you? What would you do with it?

Lemme tell you what I'd do.

I'd fly somewhere far like maybe the UK or Australia, depends. I'd buy a house or maybe an apartment with a nice view. You know the beautiful calming type of view. Okay moving on.

I won't buy a car cause hm idk i just dont want to. Maybe one day I'll feel like buying and I'd buy it then. Maybe I'll buy a bike as in bicycle not the motorbike. 

My house would be very homey and comfortable. Most importantly, the kitchen would have an oven and is very suitable for baking. 

Maybe I'll find a job, an interesting one. Or maybe I'll start a small business. At the same time, I'll write a book and get it published.

I'd attend classes like maybe piano classes and I'd buy a white piano. Learn a few other instruments cause why not? I'd attend some other classes, say english classes or poetry or art.

I would so try to involve myself in the music industry. Hm ooh also, Since I have so much money, I could donate to those in need of it. Those in Somalia, Palestine and other countries that really needs help. I mean c'mon you got a shitload of money, there's no harm in giving to those in need.

Yeah so basically, maybe that's what I'd do with a million dollars.

anis.

Yadda

I love poetry. You know, those language art form thingy.

Huh, what a way of explaining.

Honestly, I really love poetry though I'm not good in it. I absolutely have no talent in poetry. Anyway, I have no idea why but I just find poetry beautiful although there are numerous times when I don't even get the meaning, the full meaning.

But to me that's the beauty of it. You see, poetry usually has deep meanings. You gotta really absorb it to understand it. Another reason I love poetry. 

Escapism.

Many people use it to escape. To escape from everythihg that they're feeling. It's like letting out everything and be free from them. All the feelings, the pain, the burden. 

Commiting suicide is also a form of escape. But writing poetry is another form which does not harm. 

It really helps. Escapism.

anis.

Okie dokie?

Okay so ni mungkin akan kacau some past stories, but mesti pernah kan ada crush minat bagai kan?

At times we could really get carried away easily with all this love crap, am I right? Relationship goals and bla bla bla. Idon't know but have you experienced the aftermath of no longer having a crush on someone? Like as if all the feelings were gone? Whatever, but anyway, I guess I'm experiencing that. Honestly, it feels weird.

I mean, just imagine, sebelum ni even by the thought of the person tu pun dah macam apa, but now, you feel absolutely nothing. Empty. Kosong tau? Kosong.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying it, thank you very much. In fact, I really wish that I won't be dealing with all this crush love crap anymore. I'm tired of it and I no longer want to have all those feelings and stuff. Serious lagi tenang bila tak ada crush segala bagi ni. But the problem is when you have a feeling that the person somehow KNEW that you LIKED them and does not KNOW that you USED to like them.

Oh my god please. I promised myself I won't be writing about all this shit again. But seems like I just have to.

Anyway, so you no longer like this person. But this person keeps on talking and shall I say, disturbing you. And if possible, you just feel like shutting him down..... In a polite way of course -,-

But then again, you feel bad about it. Rasa bersalah sebab dia baik tapi ugh you just can't get rid of the feeling yang nak tutup je ah.

So I'm currently frustrated 'cause I just want a normal life. I've had enough with him before. I sure don't need anymore of him. Honestly. I'm sorry.

anis.

Society jenis..

Pernah tak stuck in a society yang jenis, if that's how people sees you or expects you to be although it's not true, that's how you're going to be?

Um...

Okay sorry. Maybe my sentence was a bit crappy. 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you know society yang jenis, kalau they see you as this type of a person, then you'll be like this type of a person. If they say macam ni, macam ni jugak lah yang akan jadi.

Still tak phm?

Oh my god it is so hard to explain. Okay maybe I'll just go straight to the point. 

So let's take a common example. There is a society or a group of people. They set up a pair of couple together and expects them to be together 'cause they assume that they like each other. 

But turns out it's not going out well. But since everyone are like, 'omg they're together.' 'omg they are absolutely for each other' and bla bla bla, so they agreed on staying together although they don't want to.

Getting the idea?

Do note that THAT was only an example. 

So basically what I'm trying to say is society jenis yang ikut sangat status quo and people's judgements. 

This is just an opinion. I mean, everyone has the right to speak, am I right? So as I was saying, people should really open up their minds. Please. Jangan asyik terperap dalam kotak.

I mean, jangan disebabkan orang kata macam tu, so you jadi macam tu. Do not let people who do not have the rights, decide on how you should be or on how your life should be. 

Sometimes it's hard to go against the status quo. But it's no wrong in being different, in being yourself. 

It is something that should be embraced. 

anis.

random 2 ?

I don't know but maybe I'll just babble this time.

You know that moment when you realized what you were doing and you just wanted to stop but you didn't? You feel stupid. Not for realizing, 'cause that's a good thing.

You feel stupid because you wanted to stop but you just didn't.

Yeah, I've experienced that a LOT of times. Believe me. You don't wanna know.

Kau sedar yang benda kau buat tu sangat bodoh and kau kena berhenti but you did not. You didn't freaking stop doing what you did.

But after you finished, then you realized, oh my god, why didn't I just stop? All I had to do was stop but aku tak berhenti.

Rasa macam bangang kan?

Pelik tak how it's so easy said than done? We could easily say things and imagine doing as what we say but really doing it? Not much of an easy task.

Susah sangat. The phrase 'easy said that done' has never been truer in my life at any point up until now. Isn't it odd?

Nope. Stupid of me. 

anis.

random i guess

I was just lying down aimlessly looking back into my life when something struck me.

Last year had been one of the hardest years in my life so far. So far. There were so many things happening and there were times when I couldn't be more depressed. Wait no, wrong choice of words. Maybe 'stressed out' is better. 

Anyway, it was a very busy year. And if I'd remember it correctly, I was a very active blogger. 

Huh.

Active ke? Boleh lah.

Anyway, I was quite active as I had so many things to let out. I had so many stories to share. And it felt fun to type it all out.

But since the school holidays started, I stopped updating my blog. It's like I disappeared into thin air. I was too busy, some weeks enjoying my holidays and the rest enjoying my time at home. Then recently, I thought of continuing to update my blog again. I felt bored. I wanted to type again. To share stories. 

But as I was thinking of what to type about, I realized that I got nothing. Macam takde benda langsung untuk tulis.

And I thought, "Seriously? Aku takde benda nak tulis? I mean, before this, I've always had things to be shared. But now, I feel like I'm boring. I don't have anything."

'Cause honestly, before this everytime I want to write something it means that I got something. But now I'm just out of ideas. I was bored.

But of course after sometime thinking about it again, I figured out something. Well if not, then I wouldn't be writing now. 

I realized that back then, when I had so many things to write, I was also tired. I said that I was tired of all the things that was happening.

Banyak sangat benda yang stressing and depressing. I was tired and I really needed some peace. I was absolutely in need of a holiday. Free from all the dramas and chaos.

And sejak cuti, memang aku dapat ketenangan tu semua. And suddenly, now I'm missing those chaos just because I want to update my blog.

So what I'm trying to say is that, I should actually take the chance of this remaining week of holiday before the new adventure comes in later on. Actually, saje nak cerita. Because I think it is very important to cherish the present while you could enjoy it. Sure, the future might be more interesting. But that's for later, to be discovered. Might as well, we enjoy what's present before it becomes a past.

So yeah I guess that's just it for now. Haha this was quite random. Saje saje. 

anis.

hello

2015. New year. New me.

Deleted everything in the past as I'm starting fresh new.

Setiap kali tahun baru, kita asyik cakap perkara yang sama. Tapi hakikatnya, we never change. The same goes to me. 

Kita selalu kata kita nak berubah ke arah yang baik. But lama-lama, we get distracted and semua niat hilang.

It always happen to me. For the past few years, I have been putting up intentions of changing for the better. But i never succeeded. 

And I know it's probably my fault.

We want to change for the better. Tapi adakah kita bersungguh untuk melaksanakan azam tersebut? If we really want to change, we got to be istiqamah. Kita kena selalu ingat and keep on doing things to change ourselves. Kalau kita tak bersungguh, there's no way in changing for the better. 

So let's make 2015 the plot twist of our life story by acheiving our aim untuk berubah ke arah kebaikan. 

2015. This time it's gonna be real.

anis.