world

They say
The world is a jar full of secrets
Written on rolled strips of scented paper
Just waiting to be picked from the jar
To be read and discovered
But we are only able to pick one at a time
Not a few at once
So imagine
The time taken to discover one after another
We just have to wait
And as long as it isn't yet the time for us to discover that one particular secret
We will never pick that particular rolled strip of paper
And so exist the time when we'll wait 'till it finally comes
But even so
We still do not have a clue of what it could be
Anything could be written
And anything includes other secrets which are yet to be discovered
For goodness sake
Absolutely anything could be written on the paper
And as long as it isn't time
Don't even wish to pick it up from the jar
So please
Don't tie the rolled papers with glittery thorny strings of promises
Don't tie them with sparkly prickly ribbons of hope
Just don't
As it could hurt the people
Just anyone
Anyone who slips their hand into the jar
Anyone who tries to reach for that particular paper
And so a poem for you
And for me

xoxo

a piece of mind

Kesusahan. Dugaan. Hardship. Whatever you call it.

Semuanya diturunkan oleh Allah kepada kita. 

Untuk apa?

Sebagai ujian.

Ujian Allah.

Kepada kita sebagai hambaNya.

"Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear." (Surah Baqarah 2:86)

Memang kita lemah. Memang kadang kita rasa kita tak cukup kuat. But Allah does not burden His servants beyond their capabilities. Allah turunkan ujian untuk bantu teguhkan iman. Allah turunkan ujian untuk bagi kita sedar. Allah turunkan ujian because at times we forget. And it has been too long since we last turn to Him. Astaghfirullah.

Kita hamba yang lemah ni memang selalu lupa. When we're in ease, segalanya lupa but when we're in hardship, baru lah nak minta tolong dari Allah, baru lah nak ingat Allah. Hm.

"With hardship comes ease." (Surah ash-Sharh 94:5)

Tapi although Allah turunkan ujian, kesusahan, dugaan and segala bagai ni, Allah still provides us with ease. Although kita lapar, Allah bagi kita makanan. Bila kita sejuk, Allah bagi kita rumah for shelter. See? 

Allahu. 

Tapi kita selalu lupa. Segala benda kat dunia ni adalah nikmat Allah. Tapi sebab kita lalai, kita lupa, kita tak sedar. Bila bangun pagi, ada ke kita ingat, "Alhamdulillah Allah bagi aku peluang untuk terus hidup and beribadah."

Well, ada tu ada la, tapi kadang-kadang je. Sebab kita selalu lupa. Hm ya Allah peliharalah kami daripada sifat lupa kepadaMu ya Allah.

Even the oxygen around us. Disebabkan kita sentiasa dapat oxygen, kita lupa yang oxygen ni pun is actually nikmat Allah. Allahu. Cuba bayangkan Allah tarik oxygen supply ni even for one second....Hm memag gone. Ya Allah

Honestly, takde manusia sekarang ni yang perfect. Everyone has flaws. Manusia memang senang lupa. But let's try to perbaiki diri. Sebab kita tak sempurna. We have to constantly try to change for th better.

Everything that I've said is actually meant for me. I'm not perfect. I'm not good enough. But alhamdulillah Allah tutup aib. Another thing to be grateful of. Allah tutup aib kita. Kita je yang tahu kita ni baik ke jahat ke apa yang kita buat semua. Tapi Allah tutup aib kita. Allah lidungi kita. Allahu. Betapa Baiknya Allah.

So let's never forget that our life could NEVER be separated with Allah. Allah created us. Allah gives us everything. Allah. Allah. Allah.

May He always bless us in shaa Allah Amin.

- ann

Allahu

dia datang balik...

aku tekad untuk tak jumpa dia lagi

tapi nak buat macam mana

dia diluar kawalanku

aku tak mampu 

aku tak mampu untuk berkuasa terhadap dia

sebab Allah yang menentukan segalanya

aku cuba

tapi mungkin dah memang Allah nak jadikan macam tu

mungkin Allah nak bagi petunjuk

memang 

Allah rindu tu

Allah rindu rintihan kau

dah lama sangat

Dia nak kau patah balik kat dia

Allah is trying to show you back to the right way

Allah dah bagi

tinggal untuk kau sedar and amik benda tu

dan gunakan

Allah gives you storm 

so that you would seek for shelter

that is Him

Allah is trying to show

yang hanya Dia yang kau boleh depend on

Allah is the only True hand-hold

He would never let you down

kalau kau letak Allah kat hati kau

memang takkan sakit

sebab Allah sentiasa ada

tapi masalahnya kau tak sedar

yang kau letak benda lain kat hati kau

and Allah kat tangan kau

astaghfirullah

moga Allah merahmati dan memberkati

-ann

baik

doesn't it feel weird

bila orang label kita 'budak baik'

orang anggap kita baik

but to be honest, we're just so the opposite

kita je 

yang tahu diri kita

kita tahu 

bila kita buat salah

kita tahu 

bila kita buat baik

kita tahu 

kita ni jahat ke baik

but they don't know

they just assume and judge by our outer side

apa yang dorang nampak

tu lah yang dorang set kan dalam otak

no

jangan

kita tak tahu semua pasal orang tu

kita hanya tengok luaran dia

and apa yang dia bagi kita tengok

kita tak nampak diri dia yang sebenar

kita tak tahu

bukan nak kata apa

but maybe this is mainly for me

jangan anggap aku ni baik

aku tak baik

or at least

aku tak cukup baik

tapi aku nak jadi baik

lain? sama?

aku rasa bersalah
dan aku tak pasti
i dont know
adakah benda biasa
adakah tak salah
is it okay?

memang aku gembira
memang aku selesa
memang aku senang
aku suka bercakap
i like how
we could steer our conversation
any way we like
aku suka macam mana kita tak pernah habis benda nak cerita
memang aku gembira

mungkin juga sebab aku rasa dihargai
aku tahu kau dengar
kau teliti
dan aku selalu rasa
yang kau cuba untuk lakukan apa saja
untuk jaga perasaan aku

aku bersyukur sangat
i really appreciate everything that you have done
tapi aku minta maaf
i could never stop feeling guilty
memang kadang tu aku yang terasa
tak kisah marah mana pun
sedih mana pun
aku akan sentiasa rasa bersalah
terhadap kau
dan aku tak tahu kenapa
although aku mengaku
kau banyak sakitkan aku

kau lain
sangat lain
although sebenarnya
memang kau sama je
tapi kau tetap lain
lain bagi aku

aiha

Collapse

Sudah

Segalanya telah keluar

Walaupun aku tak tau apa sebenarnya perkara tu

Tapi yang pasti 

Kali ni lain daripada sebelumnya

Banyak kali aku jatuh

But this time; it was the worst

Situasi aku kali ni terlalu parah

Sebelum ni 

Aku tak mampu untuk berkata

Tapi kali ni 

Aku berjaya

Walaupun aku sendiri kurang pasti

Aku sedar diri aku

Dan aku tau dimana aku berdiri

Aku penat

Tired of all the unnecessary bothering me

Macam bangang

Kalau boleh aku malas nak fikir

Tapi apakan daya

The brain has control of itself

Aku malas nak cari masalah
Malas nak gaduh
Tapi perasaan ni bukan datang dengan sendiri
Mesti ada
Yang jadi punca tercetusnya api
Aku akan terus mencuba
To remain patient
Selagi mana aku mampu
Selagi mana birai mata masih mampu bertahan
In shaa Allah

aiha

Terus

Hilang. 

Sesat.

Tiada petunjuk.

Harus terus mencari.

Atau berhenti kerna memang tiada?

strong

she fell for him
she fell for his kind and polite ways
she fell for his humbleness
she fell for his smart ways
she fell for him
hoping that he's the right guy

and he fell for her

but not everything is perfect
after their third child
he started to change
he is no longer his old self
he changed into someone he's not
he started yelling
he started shouting
he started hurting

she cried thinking of him

she doesn't have anyone to talk to
she doesn't have anyone to share stories with
she feels vulnerable
she feels insecure
she feels lonely
she's sad for not having anyone
she just needs someone who could hear all her stories
she faced too much
and kept it all by herself
she's just in need of someone who could accept her
accept her opinions
she's sad
and angry
and hurt
all at the same time

but she's strong

she tries to stay strong
and patient
for as long as she could

but God knows till when

aiha

(untitled)

asyik benda yang sama diulang
ulang dan ulang dan ulang

memang betul apa yang diperkatakan
memang tak boleh dinafikan

tapi kalau asyik berpegang dengan konsep tu
sampai bila nak selfish
tak boleh terima apa yang orang cakap
selalu anggap orang takkan faham diri

dunia macam mana pun kena ingat mesti selari dengan seruan Allah

aiha

concept

i like watching the stars
one of the things i find calming

the way they twinkle and sparkle
dead but alive

i also like staring up at the moon
just magnificent

the way it shines
illuminating the dark night sky

every time i look up at the night sky
watching the moon and the stars

right that moment
i wish you'd be doing the same

though not together
the moon and the stars would always remain

far apart but yet so close
i just love the concept

aiha

i can't

sometimes i try
not that i don't
but i do
and it's difficult for me
i'm not asking
for much

i'll admit
i'm not much of it either
and i'm sorry
i'd like to say
thank you
but i'm also sorry
i'm just sorry for everything

i do feel guilty
honestly
i always do
and that's just the problem
i'm no good
in stuffs like this
i just can't

aiha

#8 surprisingly

The snow was getting heavier by day. But I was starting to go out more frequently despite the weather. I just enjoy the white snow and the calmness it provides me. I spent most of my ample time, at the usual cafe or out at the park, although I'm one who gets cold easily.

But it seemed like today was one of those light snowing days. So I decided to take my hoodie instead of my coat along. I'm sure it would be fine. As I arrived at the park, I walked to my usual tree. I placed a piece of cloth I always use as a mat on the soft snow and sat on it. I took out my sketchbook and started working on my next sketch. As I was working on my drawing, a sudden gush of winter air came, blowing. I pulled my hoodie closer to my body as I was beginning to get cold.

"Should've brought your coat."

I rolled my eyes, knowing better the owner of the voice. I remained quiet and continued drawing, trying to ignore. He walked up next to me and sat on the snow.

"I know what you're doing. Believe me. You're not gonna stand it."

"Ugh, you are so stressful." I couldn't think of any other way to express my frustration. I turned to face him, who was playing with the rim of his jacket idly. "How is it possible that I've never seen you in school before?"

"You're just ain't lucky."

"Lucky?" I scoffed, in disbelief. How is that lucky?

Another gush of cold air came blowing, making me froze in my place. I could see him pulling his jacket closer to him from the corner of my eyes. I was resisting the urge to pull him close and cover every space between us as the air is killing me. I just realised the snow was getting heavier and started to panic. Oh no, it can't happen again. Despite the killing cold air, I stood up on my feet and decided to make a move. I placed my bag on my shoulder and started walking. I could feel his gaze burning behind my back.

As I was halfway to the gate of the park, my hands started to tremble. Oh no. Not happening. Not happening. A little bit more. Just a little bit. I was starting to feel my head spinning and it was getting harder to walk. I was starting to see stars and the last thing I remembered was falling into something like falling from the sky and landing on a cloud.

I peeled my eyes open and the first thing that came to view was the ceiling fan in my room. I glanced around and realised that I was actually in my room. I was in bed with the same clothes i wore yesterday. I was trying to recall everything that happened, but only remembered pieces of them. I remembered passing out...but something else happened. And how did I reach home?

Okay now, what freaking happened?

aiha

broken

she's tired of crying
she's tired of being miserable
and sad
she plugs in her earphones
plays her favourite songs
with the highest volume on
wanting to shut the world around her
and stay in the secret world of hers
she tries to push all the unnecessary away
and focus on what is
she's tired of games
and she doesn't want to play no more
she's tired of falling
and she's had it with 'em
she feels vulnerable
and insecure
and wishes for security
safety
certainty
and protection
and care
she's hurt and scarred
not being able to be fixed
and mended
stuck in being broken
and maybe
just maybe
she's not tired of being broken

anis.

unsure

no idea as to why is it so easy to fall
falling and crumbling into little pieces
not knowing how to put them back together

the walls that were built to surround and to protect
came crashing down
leaving only bits of its remains

anis.

people

We're just two people
Living in one big world
Waking up every day
Trying to give life a meaning

We have our own problems
And secrets that we keep
In the deepest parts of our hearts
Hoping that it would remain hidden

But little did we know
Our walls tend to crumble
What lies deep inside
Some are no longer hidden

We just need someone special
Who could understand
Because it's too complicated
For most people to comprehend

We're too afraid to admit
Though we're also not sure
Or maybe it's just me
Being uncertain as always

We're just normal people
The desire of being together
Wanting the company
And the feeling of comfort and being loved

Whatever it is
We're just two people
Living in one big world
Trying to find love and acceptance

anis.

cukup

Suka?

Mungkin.

Benci?

Mungkin.

Cinta?

Tidak.

Suka hanya kerana selesa.

Cukuplah sekadar teman sahaja.

#7 some secrets

It was break time and I wasn't up for anything. Nothing could enter my system without it being thrown up. The only thing my stomach would tolerate were energy bars but unfortunately enough, I had no supply of energy bars in my locker. I usually keep quite an amount of them in my locker as this always happen to me. Thank God I had no class after. I head out to the school compound, the cool air blowing softly as little snow were falling slowly. I walked to one of the trees and sat, leaning against it. Not too say that I was hungry, but some food would be awesome.

As I was closing my eyes, I felt something drop onto my lap. I abruptly tilted my head, to look at the person standing in front of me. Wait, wasn't I alone? I didn't realise anyone walking towards me, and there standing in front of me was one of the most mysterious person I've ever met. Now just what is he doing here?

"What are you doing here?" I demanded.

He ignored my question and focused his gaze on my lap, asking me to look down. I followed, looking down at the object on my lap. I was too taken aback to even say anything. I looked up back at him with an awaiting and questioning look. Instead of doing what he should do, answering me that is, he laid on the soft snow beside me with his arms above that his hands were behind his head. He was always so calm and nonchalant. I don't even know how he does that.

"Eat," he then demanded.

"Why?" I challenged.

"Eat," he repeated, his tone was flat.

Unwillingly, but also gratefully, I peeled open the wrapper of the energy bar. I bit a large bite as he looked at me with a blank expression plastered across his face. All of my wonders and curiosity flowed away from my mind as I savoured the chocolate flavour in my mouth. As I was munching on the last bite, my conciousness came back. I let the silence last a few more seconds before proceeding to questioning him. There were thousands of questions but I decided to go slow.

"What are you doing here?"

"What makes you think I'll answer your question?" he questioned back.

"Uh, excuse me? Okay, so let me get this straight. You just came here, gave me food and suddenly you're all so snobbish?" I scoffed.

He chuckled. In a sarcastic way of course. If that's even possible.

"I have the every right to be here," he stated, a-matter-of-factly. "Why is there a problem?"

"You? You have the every right to be here?" I scoffed, again. "Yeah right, not if you're not..."

A sudden thought crossed my mind as I realised the probability of it being true. I glanced to my right to see a smirk forming on his lips. No...

"No. No, you're not." I said, trying to deny the fact, which has been revealed. He closed his eyes and the corners of his mouth tugged slightly upwards.

"Whatever you say, love."

anis.

problem

Everyone is the same
Every single person is the same
Why?
Because everyone has problems
Every single human being in this world has problems
No matter how many, one or thousands
No matter how serious, small or big
Everyone has problems

She might not show it
And he might not look like one who had any
But believe me
Everyone is the same
Everyone has problems
She might always laugh
And he might always seem happy
But no matter how hard they try
Everyone is the same
Everyone has problems

Some people try to run from them
Some people try to solve them
And some people try to go around it
Some people try to hide them
Some people don't
And some people just can't

It's not as easy as it seem to be
To run away from them
To solve them
To hide them away so no one would know
It's difficult
It's tiring

But that's just how it is
That's why they are called problems
Problems are just inevitable in life
They keep coming
And coming
No matter how much we despise them
They keep coming

She might always smile and laugh
And he might always show signs of cheer, joy and happiness
She might always seem carefree and problem-free
And he might always make jokes and cause the laughter of others
But their friends don't know
That she cries herself to sleep
And he punches walls
That she tells her problems to someone while crying non-stop
And he doesn't have anyone to talk to

Never judge someone from their outer appearance
And outer self
Because everyone wears a mask
Everyone hides behind their masks
Some people might have invisible masks
And some might have translucent ones
Some people might have holed masks
And some might have thick metal ones
We just won't know who has which type of mask

Because this world is just full of secrets and problems

anis.

terpendam

There's just too much

I'm not sure whether am I able to hold on any longer

I just don't know

Kadang terlalu banyak perasaan 

Dan banyak juga perkara yang bermain di minda

Sehinggakan kita sendiri macam tak tahu apa yang sedang berlaku

But one thing for sure

After everything that happened last year

I finally learned a few very important lessons

Aku belajar untuk tidak mengambil kisah

Bukan secara negatif

Tetapi lebih kepada positif

I learned that not all problems are worth our time

Some of 'em are just a waste of time

And are stupid 

Some of 'em are petty stuffs

And are because of immature people

I learned to ignore the unnecessary

And the unworthy 

I learned to act more mature 

And to think before I act

I also learned to not make a big fuss over petty things (I guess)

'Cause they say

"I'm not anti-social. I'm just anti-bullshit."

anis.

#6 you're kidding

It had been some time since I last saw him. The one near my bike that is. Ever since that day, I had been thinking about him a few times. He was just too mysterious and suspicious. I was also curious as to who he really was.

In fact, I was too busy thinking about him that I nearly didn't realise the day its started snowing. I woke up one morning and did my usual routine. But only after getting out of the house, I realised that it was snowing. Usually I would realise the snow falling once I look out of my bedroom window. 

It was snowing as I was walking down the street, layered with thin snow. Almost coincidently, my eyes caught a familiar figure walking further in front of me. I decided to catch up with him by increasing my speed.

"Hey, not important." I was trying to joke around as he did say before that his name was not important. He turned around as I called over. 

To be honest, he looked quite shocked, seeing me as I started walking next to him. His hands were shoved in the front pockets of his jacket. And of course, never leaving his DSLR. It just makes me wonder, doesn't he ever get annoyed with that thing always hanging from his neck? I was about to ask him about it but he broke the silence before I could.

"What are you doing?"

"What?" I questioned him back. I mean, couldn't he see that I was walking? The corner of his mouth suddenly tugged upwards, but it only lasted for a few seconds. If I hadn't been looking at him from the corner of my eyes, I wouldn't have caught it. He shook his head and remained silent.

Honestly, I didn't know what I was doing. I had no idea where were we going. I kept following him as he didn't say anything of it.

As we were walking, I finally recognised the route we're using. It was one of the ways to the park, only further than the usual route I take. The streets were quite empty as it was still early in the morning. Once we reached the park, he continued walking to his usual tree. He easily climbed up the tree and sat on one of its branch. I was debating on whether to follow him or just stay down, and decided to just hang around below. I walked a bit further from the tree and lied down on my back. I glanced a bit to the tree and saw him capturing pictures using his camera. God knows what does he take pictures of.

I decided to push away all thoughts of him and enjoy the cold winter blow. I closed my eyes and spread my arms outwards. I have never felt calmer.

As I was opening my eyes, I nearly screamed. With his face above mine, merely inches from my face and his hands by the side of my face, his eyes was intently looking at mine. We were looking at each other's faces upside down. I returned his gaze for as long as I could.

For a second, I thought I've seen those pair of eyes somewhere before.

But of course, I have. This is practically the fourth time I've looked into those eyes. They were dark blue. I could see the slight blue of his iris and those long lashes sweeping his cheeks every time. Suddenly it was like as if the space between us was getting smaller. I started to panic. What's happening?

I nearly pushed his face when he lifted his head allowing the cold air to blow on my face. I didn't realise I was holding my breath when I started breathing again.

What the heck just happened?

anis.

#5 who are you?

It was very busy and crowded as always. Everyone was walking here and there as school has just ended for the day.

It was finally winter. All the leaves had fallen off and the trees were bare but it wasn't yet snowing. The air was getting cooler by day and I just couldn't wait when it starts to snow. Jack Frost would come out and the land would be covered in white. The beauty of it would always be overwhelming. The feeling of soft snow in my hands and beneath me as I lay on the cold white land.

I decided to continue with my usual routine; going to the park that is.With my sketchbook and earphones plugged in. As I was walking towards my bike, my eyes caught a familiar lean figure standing next to it, leaning against the metal fence. I increased the speed of my steps as I took out the key for my bike lock.

"Um, excuse me?"

He turned around and I saw his face and those gorgeous pair of eyes, recognising him straight away. And as usual he was holding his camera in his hands. I rolled my eyes as he smirked at me. Gosh, what is he doing here?

"Why in the world are you here?"

"That's a question you need to find out yourself."

He's getting more annoying by minute. I rolled my eyes again before protesting.

"Ugh, why should I? I got no time - "

"Remember what I said the first time we talked?"

I was about to say nothing as he ignored me the first time but decided against it. I knew he was referring to the time when we were in the cafe.

"What? Which one? 'No, you don't but you should'?

He nodded indicating that it was the one he's referring to. But I still don't get it. I gave him some time, thinking that maybe he was going to elaborate further what he meant. But I was wrong. He kept quiet as he looked at me with a blank face. This guy was really confusing me. I gave him a questioning look, asking him to explain, but instead he just shrugged his shoulders. He finally darted his eyes away from me and turned to walk off.

"Wait, what's your name? How old are you? And...and...just...who are you for god's sake?" I was beginning to get frustrated.

"My name is not important. I'm one year older than you. And who am I depends on who you assume I am." I was speechless as I was taken aback. How the heck does he know my age?

He didn't turn back. He just answered back, walking away. This just couldn't get any weirder.

anis.

#4 sudden event

Most of the leaves were gone, indicating the arrival of winter soon. My sketchbook in hand, with a cup of latte in front of me, in a cafe, was how I describe as a perfect way of witnessing the changing of seasons.

It had been nearly an hour, I spent sitting in the cafe, gathering all sorts of thoughts and ideas. I was working on a project for the art and literature week at school. It was usually the only week of the year that I don't mind going to school. 

Looking out of the window, I reached for my latte when I heard someone pull the chair across from me. I looked up, confused as to who would want to sit with me. I was freaked out to see the most unexpected person sitting in front of me. It's just too unbelievable.

I have never talked to the guy and in fact, he even ignored me once. I barely know him but yet he was sitting there like it was the most normal thing to do. 

"I'm sorry but do I know you?"

He chuckled in a sarcastic way, leaving a smirk behind as he looked at me in a condescending way. His eyes glistens as he does. Despite his good looks, I was starting to dislike this guy. A waitress came to my table as she saw this guy in front of me came in.

"I'll have whatever she's having," he said, pointing to my latte. The waitress nodded and went off to set his order. 

Okay that was a first. Since he ignored me the other day, this was the first time I heard his voice. It was deep but not too deep, soft but not too soft. To put it in simple words, it was music to my ears.

"You haven't answered my question."

"No, you don't but you should."

It was my turn to be taken aback. As I was about to say another word, the waitress returned with his latte. He took it from her hands and paid for the drink. The waitress walked away as he stood up from his chair. With the other hand, he grabbed his camera, which was hanging from his neck, and brought it up to his chest.

Still looking at me, he clicked the shutter button as he said, "Smile."

anis.

#3 the first time

"Hey, we're going back. You coming?"

It's a routine we do at least once every week. After school on one of the days in the week, my friends and I would go to the usual park and just hang out. Most of the time, all of us would be doing our own thing. I would be sketching or writing and some of he others would be playing with their phones or laptops.

Although we don't really chat or talk that much, we just enjoy the company. It's the feeling of having your friends around that's nice. We had spent nearly two hours sitting and doing other random stuffs at the park.

"Nah, it's okay. You guys go ahead. I'll go back later."

"Okay, if you say so."

They all walked off, leaving me behind alone. I didn't mind being alone as I really like to cherish the moments I get for myself. My private time. All alone.

My eyes wandered around, looking at the people around me. Watching all sorts of antics. One after the other, my eyes landed on a familiar figure, sitting on the same tree every single time. He was of course, with his camera again. It had been nearly every day for the past week, I would see him on the same tree with his camera. God knows what he does up there.

"Watch out!"

I looked to my right and a frisbee was flying through the air, heading towards my direction. It was merely inches as I ducked my head and the frisbee flew above my head. 

The frisbee hit a tree and dropped on a pile of autumn leaves. 

"Ohmygod. I'm so sorry."

I looked back to where the frisbee and the voice came from. It was a girl, hair tied up and wore a jumper. She was fit and her skin was pale. I could see the guilt and regret in her eyes. I flashed a sincere smile as I waved it off.

"Nah, it's okay. I'm fine so it's no problem."

I could see the change in her expression. She was relieved. I dismissed her as she ran to the tree, the frisbee hit.

I returned my gaze to the tree far across me. The guy was still there with his camera. Just that, this time, it was directed towards my direction. His camera lens seemed to be focused in my direction. 

Pfft. Maybe he's just taking a picture of the tree I'm sitting under.

After clicking on the shutter button, I could see him lowering his camera as he looked at, most probably, the pictures he just took. Right after, he climbed down the tree. If I hadn't known better, I might have thought that he was some kind of spy. But what I did next, was just surprising.

I stood up and practically jogged towards the other tree. I was determined to reach him before I lost him. As I was nearly metres, I shouted at him.

"Hey!"

He paused in mid-action. I could see the hesitation before he turned around, facing me. The cool air was blowing as I stopped right in front of him, panting. Man, I sure need to workout more. Although it had been a week I've been seeing him around, this is the first time I've ever had the chance to finally see his face. 

His eyes were blue, not those typical blue eyes, but they were dark blue. If I didn't notice it, I would have thought that he had dark brown eyes, nearly black. His hair slightly long at the nape of his neck. It looked like he had run his fingers through them multiple times. They were dark brown, contrasting his white pale skin. His eyelashes obvious, sweeping across his cheeks as he blinks. 

It could really be love at first sight if I hadn't been so curious and mystified about him. He was the definition of gorgeous. But curiosity overtook my admiration as I stopped drooling over his looks and called on all my courage to face him.

He was looking at me with a quizzical expression plastered across his face. Well, I would be weirded out with myself too. 

"Um, hey."

No answer. 

A blank expression replaced his questioning one before. I couldn't even remember why I ran after him in the first place. 

"Nice camera."

Silence.

I was about to say something, like maybe introduce myself or something, but before I could say another word, he turned around and walked off, leaving me agape.

anis.

#2 how it all started

It was a typical Monday morning. The cool autumn air blowing, making the trees rustle. I walked to sit under the usual tree by the park. I was getting bored by minute, sitting at home. I just couldn't stand being so stationary for so long, I just had to move and just go somewhere.

I put my hands in the front pockets of my coat as I was starting to feel cold. I sat with my back leaning on the trunk of the tree as I plugged in my earphones. I would do the same thing every time I got bored staying home.

I played my favourite playlist on my iPod and took out my diary or sketchbook or whatever-you-call-it from my sling bag. The cover was plain when I first bought it. But since I just couldn't stand the plain pastel colour of the cover, I decided to decorate it with random doodles. So it looked more like a middle-schooled girl's diary but whatever.

The leaves were falling and I felt lucky, being able to witness the beauty of it. The leaves were brown and yellow the colour of sunshine and autumn, of course. The smell of leaves overwhelmed me as the wind blew my hair, covering my face.

I slid my hair back and started taking out pencils, erasers and pens. I started working out on my next sketch. Days and moments like this are the one's I enjoy most. Calming. Relaxing. Fun. As I was looking up from my sketchbook, something or shall I say someone caught my attention.

He was sitting on the tree far across from me. If I didn't realise it before, he was actually holding a camera with its strap hung around his neck. I could see him adjusting the focus lens and snapping a few pictures. I was surprised as I didn't expect to see some guy on a tree, holding a camera. It was quite bizarre to say the least.

Then, realising my unfocused and distracted state, I shook my head and returned to finishing my sketch.

anis.

what

You know those moments when you reminisce about shit that happened in the past?

Yeah, sometimes, I enjoy it.

'Cause they can never be repeated.

So that's the only way of reliving it.

In the memories.

anis.

not how it appears to be

Emotions.

Siapa je tak ada perasaan?

Memang tipulah kalau ada yang cakap dia tak berperasaan. 

Happy. Seronok. Sedih. Marah. Bengang. Frustrated. Disappointed. Berharap. Bosan. Rindu. Suka. Duka. Sayang. Hm apa-apa je lah.

There's too much emotions and feelings in this world to be listed down. 

Ada certain people yang kita nampak macam heartless, tak berperasaan, emotionless. But actually dia masih berperasaan. There are times yang dia akan nampak macam tak kisah, macam lantak ah, but no matter how hard they try to deny it, the heart knows.

It's not how it usually seems.

anis.

different?

Stars. City lights.

Two things that twinkle and sparkle in the night sky. Like a black canvas sprinkled with sparkly and twinkling glitter. The reason why they are similar in a way.

But of course, they aren't. 

They are very much different.

anis.

#1 nights like this

The air was cold and it was quite breezy. With only the moon illuminating the dark night sky, I walked along the road, reminiscing about the past. The night was silent. Everyone was most probably asleep already. Well, obviously, it was 2 in the morning. I walked as I hummed a tune that had been playing in my mind ever since that day.

It had been a tiring day, honestly. I was exhausted. But my eyes just couldn't shut. I wasn't sure how but I decided to have a walk in the cool night. I walked as I plugged in my earphones and played my favourite playlist. Our favourite playlist. So many things were playing in my mind that I had no longer keep track of what I was thinking. Nothing specific really. The pictures coming keep changing by second. I just went with it, knowing that my mind just won't stop. Even when I'm sleeping, They keep coming in form of dreams.

It was always like this. I wouldn't be able to go to sleep, I'd put on my coat and walk out in the streets alone, taking in the fresh cold air and play the pictures in my head.

It was like a routine or like an automatic gesture, I'd stop in front of the same shop everytime. I stopped and practically skipped to the middle of the road. I bent my knees and laid down on the road. I spread my arms outwards and stared up at the sky. Thousands of stars twinkling in the night sky. I don't know how, but this is the only thing that could calm me. One of the only things I have left of him. And like always, I started reciting the sentence.

"Like a black canvas, sprinkled with - "

" - sparkly glitter dust."

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw his body lowering down as he started to lie down next to me.

"Hey."

"Hi."

A comfortable silence crept between us as we stared up at the sky, mesmerized my the beauty of the dark night sky and its twinkling stars and illuminating moon. It was like this nearly every night since that day.

"Aren't you tired?"

"A little bit. But what can I do? My eyes just won't close."

Another silence crept between us. It lasted for a few seconds before he broke the silence.

"Remember when I told you why I like looking at the stars?"

I smiled. I could and would never forget it.

" 'Decades can pass, centuries even, people could move to other places, people can die and change and be lost, everything could change, but the stars would always stay the same. Although they are actually dead, they still sparkle and twinkle, showing life. It's like they're really the only reliable thing in life.' "

I could see the corners of his mouth tugged upwards as I repeated the same sentence for the god knows how many time. It was like a a chant I keep repeating on nights like this.

"Look at me."

I was shocked. No. I can't. Why is he asking me to do that?

"What? No. You know I can't. Please give me more time. Please," I was begging then. "I just need to hear your voice. Please."

I was at the edge of crying as I replayed the scene of the nights before in my mind.

"It's okay," he paused before saying. "I promise. I promise not this time. I promise. Just please look at me."

I just couldn't do it. I'm not strong enough. I could feel the tears forming. The tears started to fall from the corner of my eyes. It would always end like this. Every time. Every night.

I could feel his gaze burning the side of my face. Just one glance. Just maybe.

I slowly turned my face to my right. Slowly, a centimetre by every second. And that night, it finally happened. It finally changed. I could see his dark blue eyes, looking concerned as ever. His mouth formed into a small smile.

"I told you."

His hand moved to reach my face. He wiped the tears with his finger. I could feel his touch on my skin. He caressed my cheek with his warm hand. I miss the warmth his hands always provide. I closed my eyes, cherishing the night. It's not gonna be long.

I felt his hand move as the cool air replaced the the warmth his hand had offer. If it was possible, I'd never open my eyes. But I know, I just had to accept it. So I opened my eyes.

And he was gone. Gone with the wind.

anis.

E'h

Sweet memories

Bad memories

Either one

They will always be memories

And will forever be in remembrance 

How hard we try to forget

They can never

Be forgotten
As it remains in the back of our minds
Stuck forever

anis.

old? nah still young

sixteen. sixteen. january.

That moment when you finally feel happy after such a long time of emptiness and not feeling anything. It sucks. It really does. I mean the emptiness sucks, not the happiness.

Anyway, alhamdulillah 'cause I guess so far, everything's going fine. Great even. Yeah of course, one or two disappointments but to sum it all up, it hasn't been that bad of a day. One of the happiest so far.

Another reason is that for once, I feel important. I feel loved. Okay stop it already.

But isn't it just bizarre how one day, you feel very special and all but the next, everything is just the same old typical boring day?

Yep it sure is.

And also saddening. Especially when that one day only comes once a year.

anis.

eh

10th of January 2015.

Back to school.

You know that time when you feel so lonely? I don't know how to say this, but it's like although you have many people and 'friends' around you, you just don't feel the company, you just don't feel happy.

Macam takde benda yang boleh buat kita rasa happy. I have no idea what's wrong with me. But I honestly feel lifeless.

I used to think that I have so many friends. Friends that could really make me happy. But it took me a long time to realize that all this while, I have never had a friend that was really... a friend yang memang kawan sejati, kawan mcm Nabi Muhammad SAW dengan Saidina Abu Bakar.

I've always wondered is it true? To whoever's reading this, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to offend you. It's hard, you know. I mean, I'm very grateful that Allah sent me friends who helped me and cheered me. But everytime, whenever I move, or whenever I'm no longer around them, I feel like I'm forgotten. Gosh please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to seek for attention. I just need to let out what I'm currently feeling. I just need to let go of all the things that is burdening my head.

I'm not alone. But I feel lonely.

anis.

I'm so random

Escapism. Sweet sweet escapism.

Imagine having a million dollars with you? What would you do with it?

Lemme tell you what I'd do.

I'd fly somewhere far like maybe the UK or Australia, depends. I'd buy a house or maybe an apartment with a nice view. You know the beautiful calming type of view. Okay moving on.

I won't buy a car cause hm idk i just dont want to. Maybe one day I'll feel like buying and I'd buy it then. Maybe I'll buy a bike as in bicycle not the motorbike. 

My house would be very homey and comfortable. Most importantly, the kitchen would have an oven and is very suitable for baking. 

Maybe I'll find a job, an interesting one. Or maybe I'll start a small business. At the same time, I'll write a book and get it published.

I'd attend classes like maybe piano classes and I'd buy a white piano. Learn a few other instruments cause why not? I'd attend some other classes, say english classes or poetry or art.

I would so try to involve myself in the music industry. Hm ooh also, Since I have so much money, I could donate to those in need of it. Those in Somalia, Palestine and other countries that really needs help. I mean c'mon you got a shitload of money, there's no harm in giving to those in need.

Yeah so basically, maybe that's what I'd do with a million dollars.

anis.

Yadda

I love poetry. You know, those language art form thingy.

Huh, what a way of explaining.

Honestly, I really love poetry though I'm not good in it. I absolutely have no talent in poetry. Anyway, I have no idea why but I just find poetry beautiful although there are numerous times when I don't even get the meaning, the full meaning.

But to me that's the beauty of it. You see, poetry usually has deep meanings. You gotta really absorb it to understand it. Another reason I love poetry. 

Escapism.

Many people use it to escape. To escape from everythihg that they're feeling. It's like letting out everything and be free from them. All the feelings, the pain, the burden. 

Commiting suicide is also a form of escape. But writing poetry is another form which does not harm. 

It really helps. Escapism.

anis.

Okie dokie?

Okay so ni mungkin akan kacau some past stories, but mesti pernah kan ada crush minat bagai kan?

At times we could really get carried away easily with all this love crap, am I right? Relationship goals and bla bla bla. Idon't know but have you experienced the aftermath of no longer having a crush on someone? Like as if all the feelings were gone? Whatever, but anyway, I guess I'm experiencing that. Honestly, it feels weird.

I mean, just imagine, sebelum ni even by the thought of the person tu pun dah macam apa, but now, you feel absolutely nothing. Empty. Kosong tau? Kosong.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying it, thank you very much. In fact, I really wish that I won't be dealing with all this crush love crap anymore. I'm tired of it and I no longer want to have all those feelings and stuff. Serious lagi tenang bila tak ada crush segala bagi ni. But the problem is when you have a feeling that the person somehow KNEW that you LIKED them and does not KNOW that you USED to like them.

Oh my god please. I promised myself I won't be writing about all this shit again. But seems like I just have to.

Anyway, so you no longer like this person. But this person keeps on talking and shall I say, disturbing you. And if possible, you just feel like shutting him down..... In a polite way of course -,-

But then again, you feel bad about it. Rasa bersalah sebab dia baik tapi ugh you just can't get rid of the feeling yang nak tutup je ah.

So I'm currently frustrated 'cause I just want a normal life. I've had enough with him before. I sure don't need anymore of him. Honestly. I'm sorry.

anis.

Society jenis..

Pernah tak stuck in a society yang jenis, if that's how people sees you or expects you to be although it's not true, that's how you're going to be?

Um...

Okay sorry. Maybe my sentence was a bit crappy. 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you know society yang jenis, kalau they see you as this type of a person, then you'll be like this type of a person. If they say macam ni, macam ni jugak lah yang akan jadi.

Still tak phm?

Oh my god it is so hard to explain. Okay maybe I'll just go straight to the point. 

So let's take a common example. There is a society or a group of people. They set up a pair of couple together and expects them to be together 'cause they assume that they like each other. 

But turns out it's not going out well. But since everyone are like, 'omg they're together.' 'omg they are absolutely for each other' and bla bla bla, so they agreed on staying together although they don't want to.

Getting the idea?

Do note that THAT was only an example. 

So basically what I'm trying to say is society jenis yang ikut sangat status quo and people's judgements. 

This is just an opinion. I mean, everyone has the right to speak, am I right? So as I was saying, people should really open up their minds. Please. Jangan asyik terperap dalam kotak.

I mean, jangan disebabkan orang kata macam tu, so you jadi macam tu. Do not let people who do not have the rights, decide on how you should be or on how your life should be. 

Sometimes it's hard to go against the status quo. But it's no wrong in being different, in being yourself. 

It is something that should be embraced. 

anis.

random 2 ?

I don't know but maybe I'll just babble this time.

You know that moment when you realized what you were doing and you just wanted to stop but you didn't? You feel stupid. Not for realizing, 'cause that's a good thing.

You feel stupid because you wanted to stop but you just didn't.

Yeah, I've experienced that a LOT of times. Believe me. You don't wanna know.

Kau sedar yang benda kau buat tu sangat bodoh and kau kena berhenti but you did not. You didn't freaking stop doing what you did.

But after you finished, then you realized, oh my god, why didn't I just stop? All I had to do was stop but aku tak berhenti.

Rasa macam bangang kan?

Pelik tak how it's so easy said than done? We could easily say things and imagine doing as what we say but really doing it? Not much of an easy task.

Susah sangat. The phrase 'easy said that done' has never been truer in my life at any point up until now. Isn't it odd?

Nope. Stupid of me. 

anis.

random i guess

I was just lying down aimlessly looking back into my life when something struck me.

Last year had been one of the hardest years in my life so far. So far. There were so many things happening and there were times when I couldn't be more depressed. Wait no, wrong choice of words. Maybe 'stressed out' is better. 

Anyway, it was a very busy year. And if I'd remember it correctly, I was a very active blogger. 

Huh.

Active ke? Boleh lah.

Anyway, I was quite active as I had so many things to let out. I had so many stories to share. And it felt fun to type it all out.

But since the school holidays started, I stopped updating my blog. It's like I disappeared into thin air. I was too busy, some weeks enjoying my holidays and the rest enjoying my time at home. Then recently, I thought of continuing to update my blog again. I felt bored. I wanted to type again. To share stories. 

But as I was thinking of what to type about, I realized that I got nothing. Macam takde benda langsung untuk tulis.

And I thought, "Seriously? Aku takde benda nak tulis? I mean, before this, I've always had things to be shared. But now, I feel like I'm boring. I don't have anything."

'Cause honestly, before this everytime I want to write something it means that I got something. But now I'm just out of ideas. I was bored.

But of course after sometime thinking about it again, I figured out something. Well if not, then I wouldn't be writing now. 

I realized that back then, when I had so many things to write, I was also tired. I said that I was tired of all the things that was happening.

Banyak sangat benda yang stressing and depressing. I was tired and I really needed some peace. I was absolutely in need of a holiday. Free from all the dramas and chaos.

And sejak cuti, memang aku dapat ketenangan tu semua. And suddenly, now I'm missing those chaos just because I want to update my blog.

So what I'm trying to say is that, I should actually take the chance of this remaining week of holiday before the new adventure comes in later on. Actually, saje nak cerita. Because I think it is very important to cherish the present while you could enjoy it. Sure, the future might be more interesting. But that's for later, to be discovered. Might as well, we enjoy what's present before it becomes a past.

So yeah I guess that's just it for now. Haha this was quite random. Saje saje. 

anis.

hello

2015. New year. New me.

Deleted everything in the past as I'm starting fresh new.

Setiap kali tahun baru, kita asyik cakap perkara yang sama. Tapi hakikatnya, we never change. The same goes to me. 

Kita selalu kata kita nak berubah ke arah yang baik. But lama-lama, we get distracted and semua niat hilang.

It always happen to me. For the past few years, I have been putting up intentions of changing for the better. But i never succeeded. 

And I know it's probably my fault.

We want to change for the better. Tapi adakah kita bersungguh untuk melaksanakan azam tersebut? If we really want to change, we got to be istiqamah. Kita kena selalu ingat and keep on doing things to change ourselves. Kalau kita tak bersungguh, there's no way in changing for the better. 

So let's make 2015 the plot twist of our life story by acheiving our aim untuk berubah ke arah kebaikan. 

2015. This time it's gonna be real.

anis.